12.9.2024
The last three and a half years I lived in an old, world-famously beautiful, big but not too big university city (population c. 150.000), this year I had to move back in with my parents due to health issues and nearly every day I ask myself: where is the best place for me to live?
My big old city was nice for some time, but I wouldn't want to be there forever.
Yes, I enjoyed how independent I was, walking nearly everywhere I had to be (or taking the S-train). I loved running along the riverbank, the old buildings, the mostly sunny weather. Until I didn't. I easily got annoyed by the masses of other students dawdling between lecture halls. The heat in the summers and the lots and lots of tourists killed me. I hated how there always were people around, even in the early mornings, when I went to my job at the uni's library, passing by a bakery and smelling the freshly baked goods in the cold air. I somehow felt trapped, being constantly perceived. I hate being perceived. Even just sitting in a quiet room with another person is so tiring for me I don't even know how to better explain it.
Still, I know I couldn't live in a cabin in the woods or the remote countryside. It's just not practical. I don't have a car, I don't have a driver's license, and birds can get quite annoying over time (as well as overly crafty neighbours with circular saws and big lawnmowers).
So, I guess I'll have to find a smaller city, that's still big enough to have good public transport, wide pavements and a supermarket that delivers groceries. Where my neighbour's lawns are not big enough, that they feel the need to mow them every week. This ideal town lies near a river among fields and forests, but far away from any motorway or airport and is not too pretty, so there aren't many tourists and at the same time pretty enough to fulfil my aesthetic standards. It also wouldn't be smart to live too far away from my parents, so if I have a flare-up, they are able to help me out. I plan to work from home, so that at least shouldn't be a problem (hopefully). Living in a flat would be okay (if the neighbours are not too noisy), I somehow feel safer in apartment buildings where there's another door between me and the outside world.
I really don't know though if a place like this even exists. I believe my requirements are reasonable and utopian at the same time.
15.8.2024
I have no sympathy for the summer, the only thing to do is watching the tailback on the valley bridge from my window, avoiding as much daylight as possible.
I've spent most summers of my life like this, hunched over my laptop obeying to yet another hyperfocus (e.g. whatever this is), while I desperately wished for less heat and the latest sims 4 expansion pack. A few years ago (when I was still in school) I dreaded autumn but now october is my favourite month and halloween (of course) my favourite holiday. Honestly it always has been. People don't really celebrate it here, which is probably why I love halloween even more: it's all mine. I can bake spooky snacks, dress up, maybe do a puzzle and watch “the rocky horror picture show” for the rest of the evening, go to bed early (like I do) and no one will even notice. Theres no big party needed, just the possibility to celebrate and enjoy myself and the things I like in the misty atmosphere of the darkening season.
So, my summer nowadays contains of making plans for october, curating the spooky books I want to read, obsessing over my halloween spotify playlist (to which I listen to all year long) and dissociating on pinterest while dreaming about the perfect life I'll have when the air is finally clear and crisp again.
Also realising that although I feel like I'm not doing anything in summer, actually there are a lot of things to do.