2.12.2024
Yes, yes, I'm sorry I neglected this, but I had a common placing hyperfocus, a MRI, an EEG and a lot of other crap to deal with and now Tom Nook is holding me in his sweaty racoon paws and it's already december.
I'm not the grinch type of person but I'd like to be.
Growing up in a roman-catholic family definitely gave me (apart from being named after Joan of Arc) its own kind of trauma, especially in regard to christmas. My siblings and I are all atheists now anyways and my parents quite actually don't care (anymore).
It shouldn't be surprising my predominant feeling this time of year is guilt (I'm most definitely anxiety, guilt and confusion stacked on top of each other in a trench coat, but that's not what I'm getting to right know I swear; or maybe I am?).
My first phone was a beautiful white and purple Nokia I loved to bits, and I didn't understand why everyone got smartphones when my brick phone was still working fine. Maybe even then it should have been clear that I was autistic, when I didn't understand the pressure smartphones and WhatsApp had on the society of middle schoolers. Years later I finally gave in and, for christmas, whished for a crappy no name smartphone I meticulously researched to find one under a hundred bucks. Here is the core issue: money. Very unromantic, I know.
My family never had a lot of it and since my father was (and is) a massive man-child with his head in the clouds and me being the oldest daughter all my mom's stress from christmas slowly trickled down to me. Every year she complains how my siblings wish for so much, so I have to wish for more stuff so it's “even”. She can't tell them no (which I guess is routed in her own trauma). Honestly, I don't want to shit on my siblings (or my mom's trauma responses), I love them very much and they don't wish for anything outrageous or unnecessary. That I could never wish for an 80-euro jumper is probably on me. It's just: my parents never have any money left at the end of the month. I can't wrap my head around how they afford christmas.
Not that I don't like getting presents, but I don't like someone getting in dept for me.
I talked to my mom, but if I don't tell her stuff I want for christmas she'll just get me something (my ecological consciousness is screaming).
In the end this is the realisation it almost always comes down to: I can't change people, I'm not in their head, I can't make their decisions for them, but I do have control over my own actions.
Ugh, I didn't want to sound so much like a self-help book (not that I have anything against that genre). Anyways, merry christmas?
12.9.2024
The last three and a half years I lived in an old, world-famously beautiful, big but not too big university city (population c. 150.000), this year I had to move back in with my parents due to health issues and nearly every day I ask myself: where is the best place for me to live?
My big old city was nice for some time, but I wouldn't want to be there forever.
Yes, I enjoyed how independent I was, walking nearly everywhere I had to be (or taking the S-train). I loved running along the riverbank, the old buildings, the mostly sunny weather. Until I didn't. I easily got annoyed by the masses of other students dawdling between lecture halls. The heat in the summers and the lots and lots of tourists killed me. I hated how there always were people around, even in the early mornings, when I went to my job at the uni's library, passing by a bakery and smelling the freshly baked goods in the cold air. I somehow felt trapped, being constantly perceived. I hate being perceived. Even just sitting in a quiet room with another person is so tiring for me I don't even know how to better explain it.
Still, I know I couldn't live in a cabin in the woods or the remote countryside. It's just not practical. I don't have a car, I don't have a driver's license, and birds can get quite annoying over time (as well as overly crafty neighbours with circular saws and big lawnmowers).
So, I guess I'll have to find a smaller city, that's still big enough to have good public transport, wide pavements and a supermarket that delivers groceries. Where my neighbour's lawns are not big enough, that they feel the need to mow them every week. This ideal town lies near a river among fields and forests, but far away from any motorway or airport and is not too pretty, so there aren't many tourists and at the same time pretty enough to fulfil my aesthetic standards. It also wouldn't be smart to live too far away from my parents, so if I have a flare-up, they are able to help me out. I plan to work from home, so that at least shouldn't be a problem (hopefully). Living in a flat would be okay (if the neighbours are not too noisy), I somehow feel safer in apartment buildings where there's another door between me and the outside world.
I really don't know though if a place like this even exists. I believe my requirements are reasonable and utopian at the same time.
15.8.2024
I have no sympathy for the summer, the only thing to do is watching the tailback on the valley bridge from my window, avoiding as much daylight as possible.
I've spent most summers of my life like this, hunched over my laptop obeying to yet another hyperfocus (e.g. whatever this is), while I desperately wished for less heat and the latest sims 4 expansion pack. A few years ago (when I was still in school) I dreaded autumn but now october is my favourite month and halloween (of course) my favourite holiday. Honestly it always has been. People don't really celebrate it here, which is probably why I love halloween even more: it's all mine. I can bake spooky snacks, dress up, maybe do a puzzle and watch “the rocky horror picture show” for the rest of the evening, go to bed early (like I do) and no one will even notice. Theres no big party needed, just the possibility to celebrate and enjoy myself and the things I like in the misty atmosphere of the darkening season.
So, my summer nowadays contains of making plans for october, curating the spooky books I want to read, obsessing over my halloween spotify playlist (to which I listen to all year long) and dissociating on pinterest while dreaming about the perfect life I'll have when the air is finally clear and crisp again.
Also realising that although I feel like I'm not doing anything in summer, actually there are a lot of things to do.